Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The Trouble With Cake

In a conversation with a friend, I discovered a great way to explain and/or infuriate different religions. Please note: I do not post this here with the intention of infuriating anyone. I simply want to convey my understanding of these religions as I see them. Some of you will recognize certain aspects of these. Others will be completely lost. Ask me questions. :-)

So let's play with some words:

In a completely random naming, let us say we have two main groups. On the one side are 'Cristies' and on the other are 'Musies'. Completely made up names here. Now, let's have them chat a bit.

Cristies: "Our cake is delicious and based on Love, but you can only have some if you close your eyes and strain really hard to taste it. Taste it yet?"

Musies: "Oh yeah? Well, our cake has all natural ingredients, is based on love AND can only be eaten by a certain pre-determined group. Others can eat it too, but they will never be fully part of that main group."

Cristies: "I think your cake is fake. I've never seen it and, having never seen or heard of it, I think it smells funny. Also, our cake is made in Jerusalem, so you better not be there when we get there."

Musies: "I'm IN Jerusalem and I don't see your cake anywhere. MY cake smells wonderful and fills a person without harming their health. I think your cake doesn't exist."

Cristies: "You are lucky our cake is based on love, otherwise we'd have to wipe you from the face of the planet. As it stands now, we plan to kill a great many of you until you accept our cake as the only one. By the way, our cake is real. We said so."

Musies: "I don't think so. None of our friends has even heard of your cake. You want to send an army? Go ahead. Our cake is based on love, but we will effing kill you and anybody that looks like you."

Cristies: "You've never heard of our cake and its PR guy Joe? You know of none of the 12 Bakeries of Deliciousness? Have YOU ever seen your cake?"

Musies: "Of course we... errr, we believe in our cake. Ours has its own PR guy Moe. We have 12 Bakeries of Divine Taste. Have you ever seen YOUR cake?"

Cristies: "Umm, are you sure you aren't trying to steal our cake?"

Musies: "I hate you."

Cristies: "I hate you more"


Aggies: "I don't think we will ever be able to prove the existence of either of your cakes."

Christies: "Who the eff are you?"

Rushdies: "Our friend wrote a book about your cake, but he made it funny."

Musies: "There is NO CAKE BUT OUR CAKE, and its PR guy Moe! Joe is just some guy who likes cake."

Cristies: "There is something seriously wrong with you guys."

Atheis: "I don't even believe you have cake. Prove it to me."

Scienties: "Your cake never happened. Please buy these devices to make yourself look better to aliens."

Bhuddies: "Love all cake. Give cake to those you don't even know."

Hindies: "Siva's cake is best. Please stop eating cows."

Zenies: "We are all cake. Meditate upon this."

Westboories: "If you are gay, our cake is not for you."

Zoroastries: "No one even knows about our cake."

GLaDOS: "I have some cake, but you are going to have to work for it."

Pieies: "Eff cake, eat pie."

Full Disclosure: I am ambivalent about religion as a whole. Were I to pick one that most closely resembles my feelings it would be a mix of several. I tend to have more Pie-ous feelings than most others. :-)


P.S. Please let me know if any of this offends. I am curious as to what in it is found offensive.


  1. Delicious. I think I will have my pudding now.

    1. oh man, I completely left the pudding contingent out. :-/

    2. Pudding?! NEVER! Pie is the One True Food!